Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
