Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
