Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
