My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
