don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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