They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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