god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
