Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
