dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
