I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
