capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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