WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you are never too drunk for berry picking
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
