I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
