I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
