I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize