there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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