There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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