ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
