So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
