You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
