I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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