At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
