Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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