I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize