I looked at my own cervix.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
