i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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