i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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