omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
