Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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