And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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