ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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