I seem to have left my pride at pride
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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