yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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