i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
