one might say we're banned from that church
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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