Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't deserve a penis
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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