xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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