Taylor Swift is so right about you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
