Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
