why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
