HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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