Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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