my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
