you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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