I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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