OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
