omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
