My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
