So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
