I think my fart just growled at me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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