I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
