Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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