how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
