I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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