She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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