I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
