shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
