Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
