Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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